How to Feel Your Mother’s Love

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----an essay by a high school senior 

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To some people, their mother is the biological definition of a woman who carries an egg that has been fertilized and develops the embryo and placenta to support life. To some people, their mother is an enemy, waiting to watch them fail so they can push them farther down. To some people, their mother is a woman they never had the chance to meet or to remember. To me, my mother is a woman whose love I always knew I had but took practice for me to appreciate and reciprocate in the ways that she deserved. As I’ve gotten older, my mother has to and I think that I grew up with her in the sense that she became who I needed her to be just at the right time.

 

People often say parenting takes patience, but I think in some cases both sides need to support each other with patience, even when we’re young and don’t understand.  I wish everyone could have a mother like mine now that I’m older, and I wish for those people who don’t ever think they can to read this. We can all learn to appreciate, to listen, to accept, to forgive, but not to forget, and to love. Here is how you can do the same:

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1. Appreciate the part that she has played in your life, acknowledge and appreciate your mother’s role in your life and how she has helped you become the person you are today, even if that’s realizing the ways you want to change your future relationships or how you can see yourself being similar in nurturing the children in your future, and the children in theirs. 

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2. Be open to her insightfulness and let her inspire you with her wisdom. I would not have overcome the challenges that I have faced if it were not for her. My mother taught me that it is okay to forgive people without forgetting. Forgiveness is never easy, but allows you to move forward. Forgetting will prevent you from evolving and learning the lessons that a relationship taught you. Ghandi once said “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” You should gather from this that forgiving others liberates us from evil that takes up a negative energy in our lives that we must protect ourselves from. My mother allows me to feel my complex emotions, a security she didn't grow up with, a cycle she broke to make my life better and that she left her past behind for. This is one of the many ways she has shown me love, one that took me years to appreciate. To truly sense and try to understand our emotions but not to let them consume or take over our lives is a lesson she taught me. “You can visit your feelings, but don’t let them move in without paying rent.” She tells me this when she sees me feeling down; she knows me better than anyone. 

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3. Accept the fact that she will know you better than most people; we become our mothers because they were us once too. In 20 years, we will have experienced many of the same things. This might mean she doesn’t let you go somewhere all your friends want you to go, but this is because she knows you and the kind of love you need; she knows you need to learn your own lessons but she also knows that these friends won’t look out for you and you didn't want to go anyway. You can “I’m fine” your way out of a conversation with your father or your friend, but your mother knows she needs to sit down and talk with you. Playing with your hair in your bed is how she shows you love.

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4.  Remember this is her first time doing this, too. Nobody gave her a book on how to punish you to show you she was serious. Forgive her when she disappoints you and tell her you're proud of her when she gets something she worked hard for. A few words can go a long way and reassurance is a love language in itself. In the same way we don’t feel ready to grow up, we may have been the reason our parents had to grow up. 

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5. Know that everything you learned about love before the world became so unforgiving to your mistakes, you learned from her. She is the first person you fall in love with and one of the only people you have not had to beg to understand you. She has not only biologically claimed the title as your mother but taught you to love everyone just as unconditionally as she’s loved you. Love was the fuel that kept her going when she made sacrifices for you that she never had to; nobody asked her to but she did anyway, even when you wished she would be more fun or let you do more cool things like the other moms. She forgave your cruel words without anyone telling her to. All the times you should have voiced to her the gratitude you felt but didn't, she still loved you the same. 

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When your teacher asked you in the second grade what you wanted to be someday, you would have never thought of a person or anybody as lame as your mother, but as you get older you realize that your mother is the one who will never allow herself to fail you. You realize she is anything but lame and one of the most amazing people you will ever have the pleasure of being so close to. I have learned that being a popstar like Hannah Montana or an actress like Julia Roberts may not be attainable for me in this life, but something that is is to be my mother. To love just as gently and make people warm with my smile and the scent of my perfume when I walk in just like she does and to be there for other people even when it’s hard for me to show up for myself. To go the extra mile. In my mind, my mom is the prettiest and wisest woman I know, and while it will be hard for me to teach myself the grace that she has, I know I can do all of these things when I grow up.