How to Be Okay With Being Alone
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~Aurora Nestle
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First, you have to hate yourself a little bit. You need to observe the world around you and realize you live in a world catered to extroverts. You sit down at your lunch table in 6th grade one day, and your friends start a conversation about introversion vs. extroversion. You must say, “I’m not sure which I am,” to which they’ll look at you in disbelief and exclaim, “You’re such an introvert!” You are now a confused stone statue, because what do they mean by such? So you go home and take a quiz on your iPhone six about whether you’re introverted, extroverted, or somewhere inbetween. You answer the questions honestly, confident you’re not going to get introverted, because being an introvert is the worst thing in the world and that means you’re anti-social and lame and you have no friends. You hit the finish button, and the words, “You are an introvert!” pop up on your screen. You then immediately close out of the tab and search for a new quiz. This time, maybe you aren’t completely honest with yourself while answering the questions. You convince yourself that you do enjoy parties, that you would rather hang out with your friends every weekend instead of staying at home in bed. Once again, you should hit submit on the quiz, and what do you know? “You are an extrovert!” appears, and you feel like you can breathe again.
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Now that a 10-question quiz on the internet has confirmed it, you must live up to your honorable extroverted title. You have friends, sure, but you’re not exactly anyone’s best friend. You vow you will not change your personality, but if you have to tone yourself down a little bit, that’s just a part of life, right? To prove how extroverted you are, as a sophomore, you leap out of your comfort zone and decide to play a sport you haven’t touched since you were five years old. You have practice every day, so naturally, you spend a lot of time with your teammates. They invite you to their soccer parties, and it doesn’t really matter that everyone on the team gets invited because at least you’re invited to something. They didn’t go out of their way to exclude you, so they must not hate you, and that’s enough for you. It’s important that you convince yourself these invitations truly make you happy. You got what you wanted. That becomes your mantra.
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You also must attend these events. You were invited, after all, and if you don’t go they might never invite you to anything ever again. Plus, you obviously want to go. Obviously. Get dressed and ask your mom to drive you at 6:30 p.m. even though it starts at 6:00 p.m. because you’re worried you’ll get there before any of your close friends. You won’t know it at the time, but the feeling in your stomach that you dismiss as nerves from excitement is actually a sense of impending doom. For some mysterious reason, while you’re in the car on the way over, you want nothing more than for your mom to turn around and take you home. You don’t say anything though, you stay for a few hours, and you actually do have fun. Despite this, a sense of relief washes over you when you see your mom’s car in the driveway, here to pick you up. Deep down, you don’t really know if you want to go to another one of these hang-outs. An extrovert loves going to parties though, so you have to suck it up. Rinse and repeat.
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It’s necessary that somehow, you ensure your altered personality isn’t good enough. Approach your friends who are standing around in a circle and notice how as soon as you walk up, they stop talking. Sometimes, they make it a point to stand directly in front of you, physically blocking you out of the conversation. One day, you’re all sitting together in your Christian Leadership class and they reference something that doesn’t ring a bell. Ask them, “Wait, when is that?” Wait for them to respond, “Tonight, at [friend-who-doesn’t-want-to-hang-out-with-you]’s house,” as if you know what’s happening tonight at the aforementioned friend’s house. You’ll watch the rest of them pick up their phones and start typing frantically. You catch a glimpse of one of the messages over your friend’s shoulder. It’s from a group chat with all of them in it, and you see, “shoot I forgot,” splayed across the screen. You’re not stupid, so you immediately catch on to the fact that the forgotten thing in question is that you weren’t invited. Now, you must become withdrawn, and wait for them to ask you what’s wrong, as if it isn’t obvious. Regardless, say, “Nothing.”
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You will find yourself in similar situations over the course of the next two years. You will still be experiencing this as a senior in high school, but now it’s a little different, because all of your friends have boyfriends. People will ask you if you too want a boyfriend, and you might think your answer is yes, but that’s not the truth. The truth is that you really only want to be someone’s first choice for once. Because you’re not a terrible friend, you must listen to them rave about their boyfriends. Be genuinely happy for them, because they deserve this; but also slowly feel yourself be pushed aside. You have to ignore it at first, because this is probably just the honeymoon phase and your friendships will go back to normal soon. You’re wrong, of course, because the next day, you go for coffee with your best friend. You try to get her attention for the fourth time, but her eyes are still glued to her phone as she audibly laughs. You decide to open your own phone only to be met with zero unread messages, because clearly nobody wants to talk to you. Your best friend still hasn’t realized you’ve said anything at all. You don’t blame her, because really, she did nothing wrong. She deserves her healthy relationship more than anything. But you do wonder what it must be like to be so caught up in somebody that the world around you fades away.
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You must take note of something else, though. It’s quite strange, honestly, how the same supposedly tight-knit group of friends who forgot you weren’t invited to their gathering don’t speak about each other the way friends should. Instead of, “We had the best time!” it’s, “I wish she didn’t even come.” Rather than, “She’s so much fun to hang out with!” they say, “I cannot stand her.” You watch them transform from an impenetrable group who all get along perfectly to clawing at each other’s throats, claiming they never liked each other to begin with. At the same time, several of your friends will experience the epidemic known as “break-up season.” You hate to see them hurting, so you give them the best advice you have. It becomes your duty to remind them that they deserve so much better than what they were being given. As you hug and remind them that they always have you, reflect on everything you know about romantic relationships. You can’t help but wonder, “Is this really worth it?”
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Decide that maybe it’s not best to always be around people. Take all of the hateful words your friends spewed towards their friends. Recall the countless times your friends were made to question their own worth by people who were meant to love them. Think about how badly you just wanted your mother to take you home rather than to that party. Sit with these memories. Remember that you have a Halloween party tonight. Dressing up with your friends sounds fun, but not as fun as watching your favorite show in your warm bed. Choose to stay home, because that’s just who you are. Accept it. The next time someone asks, declare vehemently that you are an introvert and you’re okay with being alone. Notice something funny: they didn’t run away like you’re the plague. In fact, it doesn’t really seem to matter to them at all.