Jusrena Soe
"I Am Karenni"
“I am Karenni.” This single statement brings vivid recollections of a disastrous and devastating journey towards independence as described by my parents. A literal run: legs aching from fleeing barefoot for several miles through rainy and dirty pathways, having to suffer irritating cramps from the most they could carry on themselves, and slowly losing count of the days and nights that were spent in the jungle and mountains. It all becomes a blur trying to sentimentally reminisce without feeling anger towards the perpetrators who sought to kill innocent civilians ensuring their dictatorship. At that time, these inhumane conditions became the standard and were what we became comfortable with.
“Don't forget where you came from” is a sentence my mother says so often. I used to disregard it every time I would hear over and over again of the stories back home. I’ve had to confront a good deal of self-resentment for being ashamed of saying I was from a severely impoverished setting while being surrounded by environmental conditions that are in no way comparable to the United States. Back home, luxury meant fully wooded bamboo homes on the bare ground and a bathroom seen within a distance. Here, it is beyond what I can even dream of. Two story houses with a front yard that are nearly the size of three to four bamboo homes combined. When someone would ask where I was from, I did not hesitate to say “Bangkok” rather than saying “Mae Hong Son.” Answering this specific way saved me from having to explain the imperfect living conditions and preferably resort to an answer that everyone relatively enjoyed. I had this mindset where I thought people would rather hear that I was from a place of famous tourist attractions, not an underprivileged village.
Every now and then, I like to laugh at myself for having a sense of entitlement. What has been considered bare minimum in this new environment became opportunities I would have never imagined that come my way. A distinct lifestyle in what I was comfortable with then visibly made me feel embarrassed of what others surrounding me would think.
Coming from a household where cultural customs exist differing from the new community I was starting to understand; this was quite hard for the younger version of myself to accept. Without a doubt, I hated speaking my first language in public. I remember every time I spoke, there would be puzzled and perplexed faces. One too many times, I’ve experienced similar outcomes. The countless times I've heard upsetting and hurtful comments from strangers and even close friends never fail to make me feel anxious and uncomfortable about the existence of my culture.
These discomforts, although unpleasant, ultimately contributed to my growth as a person. Life encounters have made me realize that appreciation for my culture is a necessity within my personal growth. While allowing me to have a deeper understanding and connection with my people, it has also reminded me of the several ongoing injustices still being exercised at this moment. This gives me the responsibility to share and encourage what the rest of us can do in contributing and creating change. The statement “I am Karenni” holds painful but heartwarming memories that make me feel truly happy about where I come from. I am proud to say that I am Karenni and will forever be thankful that this is part of my identity.