OUTSTANDING OSWALD

 

-----a play in one act by Nick Guarino

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Character List 

OSWALD: A bright, cheery father of a loving family; Early 40’s 

OPHELIA: A faithful wife to Oswald with a kind caring heart; Late 30’s OTIS: The young, excitable child of Oswald and Ophelia; 12 years old ROSEANNE: The pessimistic, spiteful mother of Oswald; Late 70’s

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Tag Line: 

Nothing can stop Oswald from enjoying his life now. 

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Synopsis: 

Oswald enjoys the solar eclipse with his family, and overcomes the obstacles preventing him from enjoying life with his family.

(Ophelia works on dinner, Otis plays with his toy, and Roseanne sits in her rocking chair. Oswald walks through the door.)

 

OSWALD: Honey! I’m Home! 

 

OPHELIA: Oh darling you came just in time for supper! How great is that? OTIS: That’s simply outstanding! 

(Everyone except for Roseanne laughs.) 

 

ROSEANNE: Shut up you idiot! I have a migraine from your babbling! 

(Roseanne mumbles to herself angrily.) 

 

OSWALD: Oh gosh, Mom! Don’t be such a Debbie Downer! 

 

ROSEANNE: Don’t speak to your mother that way! 

(Ophelia quickly steps toward Oswald, noticing he is angry.) 

 

OPHELIA: Come now dear, we wouldn’t want the lasagna to go cold. 

 

OSWALD: Oh, you made lasagna? How delightful! That is my favorite, you know. OPHELIA: Oh darling of course I knew! 

 

OTIS: *exasperated I’m hungry! Can we go eat now? 

 

OPHELIA: Otis, you know how important it is to have patience. 

 

OTIS: *remorsefully You are right mother, but may I eat now? 

 

OPHELIA: Of course Otis, come on now, let go eat! 

(Everyone except Roseanne moves to the dinner table and starts to eat.) 

 

OPHELIA: So, Oswald, how was work today? 

 

OSWALD: Work was simply splendid today, although the moon was a little cold today, but that just comes with the job of an astronaut sometimes! 

 

ROSEANNE: Stop that silly talk of being an astronaut, it is never going to happen Oswald.

 

OPHELIA: Goodness gracious! It seems as though Roseanne has not taken her medications! Pay her no mind Oswald, you can go on. 

 

OSWALD: No, no. It's okay Ophelia, I’m okay. I would actually like to hear about Otis’ day! Well, how was your day, buddy? 

 

OTIS: My day was simply outstanding! We learned about space and about cavemen, did you know they are actually called neanderthals? 

 

OSWALD: I did not, in fact, know that! Why that’s brilliant kiddo! 

 

OPHELIA: Why dear, you could even say that that is… 

 

OTIS, OSWALD, AND OPHELIA TOGETHER: Outstanding! 

(All laugh together.) 

 

ROSEANNE: Oswald, who are you talking to right now? What’s that noise I hear? OPHELIA: Oh dear, we really should get Roseanne those hearing aids shouldn’t we? OSWALD: *dismissively I am sure she will be fine dear, don’t fret about her. Is anything interesting coming up? 

 

OPHELIA: I am not sure, let me look at the newspaper! 

(Ophelia looks through the newspaper, and Oswald sees an advertisement.) OSWALD: What is that? It says the new and improved “Outstanding Oph-” (Ophelia quickly interrupts him) 

 

OPHELIA: Oh that’s just some advertisement for some silly dolls. I doubt anything interesting will be found there. 

 

OSWALD: Of course dear, you are always right! 

 

OPHELIA: Oh, Oswald, look there is a carnival coming to town next month! OTIS: Oh my that sounds like great fun! Oh please father, may we go to the carnival?

 

OSWALD: Oh dear, I am not very fond of carnivals. 

 

OTIS: Why father? Carnivals are great fun! There are so many things to do! OPHELIA: Otis is right dear. There is almost always something for everyone my dear. There is the most outstanding entertainment, and the most delicious of foods. There are even sometimes 

amusement rides for the more daring people. Why would you miss going to the carnival Oswald? OSWALD: I… I am unsure. From your description of it, well, it sounds like great fun, but I simply cannot fathom it. 

 

OTIS: Well have you ever tried going to one? 

 

OSWALD: Well… no. I suppose I have not. 

 

OTIS: Well, why not give it a try. If you really don’t like it, then we will only have to go just this one time and never again. 

 

OSWALD: Well, I don’t see why not! You’re right, we should go to the carnival! It will be a fun day out with the fami 

 

ROSEANNE: Are you talking about that moronic carnival again? I told you Oswald, you cannot under any circumstances go to that stupid cesspool of degeneracy! 

 

OPHELIA: Oh, well then I’ll keep looking for other options then. 

(Otis and Oswald share a disappointed expression.) 

 

OSWALD: I am sure there will be other options. There has to be something happening. (Otis gives a weak smile to Oswald.) 

 

OPHELIA: Look here! It says there is a baking competition happening at our church! Open to all parishioners with a prize of $100! Well, I know how to make the best cinnamon rolls! OTIS: And Dad, your peanut butter, caramel cookies are absolutely outstanding. OSWALD: Oh goodness don’t flatter me, they aren’t that good.

 

OPHELIA: Don’t be so modest honey they are absolutely as good as the boy says! OSWALD: Well, when is the competition? 

 

OPHELIA: The newspaper says it is this Sunday after the usual afternoon service. OTIS: Well isn’t that just outstanding! 

 

OSWALD: It sounds like it could be fun, but there is no way I would ever win. OTIS: Don’t say that! You have to believe that you can do it if you want to do it! OPHELIA: He’s right, you know. And even if we don’t win, so what. The reason we want to do it isn't for the money, but for the experience, for the time we can spend together. OSWALD: Well, I guess you are right. This could be a rather good time, couldn’t it. I say we get right to work then, why don’t we? 

(Oswald gets up to grab some kitchenware to start baking, when Roseanne yells from the other room once again.) 

 

ROSEANNE: *angrily Are you touching my mixer? Get your filthy paws off my damn kitchenware you nasty brat! 

 

OSWALD: But mother, I am just trying to- 

(Roseanne interrupts him.) 

 

ROSEANNE: I don’t care what the hell you are trying to do, put my things away and don’t touch them again! 

(Roseanne angrily grumbles to herself.) 

 

OPHELIA: Well, I suppose it is back to the drawing board then. 

 

OSWALD: There must be something we can do! Anything that we can do! OPHELIA: Otis, sweety, can you go to the other room with Roseanne for a quick minute? OTIS: Of course mother.

(Otis exits the room and sits with Roseanne.) 

 

OPHELIA: Must you always live like this my darling Oswald? 

 

OSWALD: *confused What do you mean? Ophelia, what are you talking about? OPHELIA: You don’t always have to listen to everything she says. 

 

OSWALD: *still confused I’m not sure what you mean. 

 

OPHELIA: You can do what you want to. 

 

OSWALD: *annoyed You aren’t making any sense. What are you trying to say? OPHELIA: You don’t have to let anything stop you 

 

OSWALD: *annoyed Tell me what you are talking about. 

 

OPHELIA: -from living your life. 

 

OSWALD: *angrily Ophelia- 

(Otis walks into the room excited.) 

 

OTIS: Dad! I have an ide 

 

OSWALD: *angrily Go back into the other room Otis! You were not asked to come back in and should not be here. Go back with Roseanne now! 

(OTIS hurries out of the room, clearly upset.) 

 

OPHELIA: Oswald! That is no way to speak to your child! Go apologize to Otis right this very instant! 

(Oswald angrily steps towards Ophelia.) 

 

OSWALD: *still angry Don't tell me what to do. 

 

OPHELIA: I shouldn’t have to tell you what to do. 

 

OSWALD: *furious Then don’t, you moron! 

 

OPHELIA: *annoyed Don’t speak to me that way.

 

OSWALD: *still furious I’ll speak to you however the hell I want to! Don’t you ever disrespect me, you vile pig! 

 

OPHELIA: You don’t have to become her. Don’t do this to me. Don’t do this to our son, our darling child Otis. 

(Oswald steps back away from Ophelia and looks at her with horror, then looks down with shame.) 

 

OSWALD: *remorsefully Otis, you can come in now. 

(Otis walks back into the room, still clearly upset.) 

 

OTIS: I am sorry father. 

 

OSWALD: No, I am the one who must apologize. I should not have yelled at you. You deserve to be treated with respect as much as I do. 

(Otis sniffles as Oswald lowers himself to look at Otis.) 

 

OSWALD: Would you like to tell me what you wanted to tell me? 

 

OTIS: Well, it’s just that, my science teacher, he told me that today there is supposed to be a solar eclipse. Later tonight. That when the moon covers the sun and it gets super dark outside. He said it’s super rare and that another one won’t happen until like another 100 million years or something like that. 

 

OSWALD: Well, did he tell you what time that it is supposed to happen? 

 

OTIS: No, he just said it would be later. 

 

OSWALD: Well darn then. We could just wait outside until it happens. 

 

OPHELIA: Well, that could take hours. We couldn’t do that. 

 

OTIS: Maybe the newspaper says something about the eclipse. 

 

OSWALD: *excited Yes! That’s genius, incredible, outstanding!

 

OTIS: Well, thanks dad! 

(Ophelia looks through the newspaper.) 

 

OPHELIA: Look! It says here that the eclipse is going to happen at 7:00. 

 

OSWALD: Oh well that’s a little late for you. Plus it is a school night. 

 

OTIS: Oh please father! I will make sure to be ready for school bright and early tomorrow morning. 

 

OPHELIA: I think he will be okay to watch it with us. It may even be… fun. (Otis looks hopefully towards Oswald.) 

 

OSWALD: I suppose, it would be fine. But wait, what time is it now? 

(Everyone looks at a clock.) 

 

OTIS, OSWALD, AND OPHELIA: 6:59! 

(The stage dims, as the solar eclipse happens, and Ophelia and Otis leave the stage.) ROSEANNE: *furious Oswald, stop talking to those damn dolls! I told you to throw those away. I should never have bought those for you, God, what were they even called. “The Outstanding Ophelia Doll” and that stupid little baby “Otis the Infant.” 

(Oswald tears up and falls to the floor.) 

 

ROSEANNE: Get up you big baby, what the hell do you have to cry about. Go throw those damn dolls in the trash before I throw you out. 

 

OSWALD: Yes, mother. 

(Oswald stands and goes to the trash can with the dolls, but notices a knife on the table. Oswald picks up the knife and lays the dolls on the table.) 

 

OSWALD: Oh mother, how could I ever disobey you? After all you have done for me. ROSEANNE: Shut up! I don’t want to hear you grovel.

(Oswald walks towards Roseanne with the knife.) 

 

OSWALD: However, I will no longer let you control my life. I will no longer listen to what you have to say. I will do what I want to do, what I think is right. I will not let you stop me from living my life. 

 

ROSEANNE: What in God’s name are you babbling about now! What's behind your back? Don’t think I can’t see that you are hiding something! What the hell are you doing? Get the hell away from me you vile pig! 

(Oswald plunges the knife into Roseanne’s stomach and pulls out the knife.) ROSEANNE: *screaming What the hell is wrong with you! Do you know what you have just done? You idiot! I am your mother! *screams and cries Call the ambulance, call someone and do it now you little brat! Now! 

 

OSWALD: *calmly Goodbye mother. 

 

ROSEANNE: *weakly You can’t do this to me. God, I have always hated you. (Roseanne dies sitting in her chair and Oswald drops the knife. Ophelia and Otis walk back onto stage and Ophelia touches Oswalds shoulder.) 

 

OPHELIA: Would you like to watch the rest of the eclipse with us? 

 

OSWALD: I would love nothing more. 

(Oswald, Ophelia, and Otis all walk towards the door) 

 

OPHELIA: Oh my dear, you truly are outstanding Oswald. 

(Oswald, Ophelia, and Otis all walk out the door to watch the solar eclipse together.)

 

CURTAIN